- “Face With Tears of Joy”
What it is: Presumably, the face one makes after winning the lottery, or watching a particularly hilarious comedy, or whilst sobbing uncontrollably and under the influence of nitrous oxide.
Why it’s egregious: This is probably the most overused expression in the emoji canon. I’ve seen far too many unfunny memes, recycled text posts, and Vine compilations accompanied with some inane caption and an unending chain of these crying faces. When was the last time you honestly laughed so hard that you CRIED at the sight of a litter of puppies, or some twelve-year-old lip-syncing to hardcore rap, or some wannabe Wilt Chamberlain wiping out on the basketball court? This face is the poster child of lowbrow Internet humor. This face haunts my dreams. This face must not be used unironically in conversation with ANYONE, or your texting partner will be running for the hills. Branch out, people.
- “Information Desk Person”
What it is: Surprisingly, a pseudo-secretary/receptionist type holding up an invisible tray of drinks, NOT a sassy bellhop or snarky woman intent on correcting your grammar. This young lady is engaging in some super fun pantomime!
Why it’s egregious: It’s blatantly misused. Far from an expression of flippancy or cheek, this emoji actually connotes a mindless willingness to serve that is totally antithetical to the self-reliance associated with White Girl Sass. I would avoid using it casually over text, lest your texting partner call you out for being too "basic" or "servile." Unless you meant to say, "How may I help you?," steer clear of this tired cliché.
- “Weary Face”
What it is: An expression of tiredness, dissatisfaction, and/or grief. Its pain resonates almost viscerally. I want to give it a hug, and tell it that it's all going to be fine.
Why it’s egregious: Like the aforementioned crying/happy face, this old chestnut is overused as accompaniment to generally unfunny web content. Its misuse has been so widespread that Weary Face has now become associated with a highly charged sensual pleasure. We all have that one friend who can't post, tweet, or text about pleasures ranging from chicken nuggets, to devil's food cake to Kate Upton without tacking this face on, too. Its cries have become your yearning moans. Terrifying. Make it stop.
- “See-No-Evil Monkey”
What it is: Mizaru, the first of the three wise monkeys/mystic apes. If you're into Japanese maxims or don't live under a rock where no capital-C Culture can possibly reach you, you're probably well acquainted with this willfully blind macaque.
Why it’s egregious: It's constantly being used to represent a mushy unwillingness to not look at or admit to something. ("I'm such a fragile little creature; I don't want to see that!") Not only will your texting partner immediately call you out on your tackiness upon incorrectly using our old pal Mizaru, but you'll end up feeling like a fool. There is nothing endearing about a misuse of a Japanese proverb just so you could feel cute for a hot second.
- “Clinking Beer Mugs”
What it is: The Convergence of the Twain: two beer steins become one. The happiest of unions. The consummation of a toast, no doubt. A light "ding" for the ages. Both cups runneth over with foam. Cheers indeed.
Why it’s egregious: Usually people text me this emoji even though I know they're just drinking alone. Sad. Avoid such an impulse; be truthful with your texting partner and send them the solitary Beer Mug instead.
Happy texting, and don't forget to #GetCrushhed!